The Rock

The past few days have been an emotional roller coaster.

I try not to treat my blog like a journal - that's what my actual journal is for - but this post might border on it a little bit. Fair warning before you start reading, though, right?

Leaving Fayetteville and friends for the summer is always difficult. Being ready for summer and the plans I have is always exciting. So May comes with mixed emotions already. Then I got a call telling me that KJ Haggett, one of my good friend from high school, died this past Friday. They are still unsure of the exact cause, and none of us were expecting it. No one expects death, especially when you are all barely into your twenties. High school class reunions typically come with weddings, not funerals. Almost exactly one year ago, my friend Jordan died. (I shared a little bit about it here.) It doesn't seem right or fair that this is even happening, especially for the second time in a year.

Personally, I am doing okay. I am hurting, obviously and everything seems very surreal. I am burdened for his family and our other friends. Mostly, though, I just feel numb. But I am trusting in God's sovereignty and power throughout this event. I am praying that the Lord uses this to get others' attention and to bring life change. I want to see Him do something big.

I was reading Psalm 18 last night after spending time with my class. I want to share a few verses from that passage that really stuck out to me:

"I love you, O Lord, my strength. The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold. I call upon the Lord, who is worthy to be praised... In my distress I called upon the Lord; to my God I cried for help. From his temple he heard my voice, and my cry to him reached his ears... the Lord was my support. He brought me out into a broad place; he rescued me, because he delighted in me... For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God?"

A friend and I went hiking at Devil's Den before I left Fayetteville, and on the trail we came across many stones that, if we weren't careful, would trip us up or cause us to lose our balance because they were not firmly grounded. Those stones not what David was referring to.

The image of God as a rock reminds me of the boulders we climbed off the path - the ones that, once we were on top, brought us level with tree tops. There was no way we could move those; it was more that they could cause us to fall as we scrambled up. It was a little scary to reach up, looking for holds for our hands and solid places to put our feet. We had to make up our own route to get to the top, but once we were at the top I felt safe.

And I think God can be the same way. It can be scary following Him in faith. We don't always know the route we should take, and decisions and circumstances often don't make sense. But we can trust in His strength. He will not be moved, especially by us. Throughout this experience, I have felt so safe in His arms. Nothing can separate us from the love of God - "neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation" (Romans 8:38-39). He is our refuge in both joy and pain.

So yes, it hurts to lose a friend. Yes, I would love to have answers. But my world is not crashing. I am sustained by the Lord, and I trust that He will remain a solid rock and a fortress despite what happens in this world.

*The visitation and funeral are Wednesday at noon and two, so prayers that afternoon would be appreciated.