tarzan style

I used to blog.
Then senior year happened.

I think a big part of it, also, has been that I have been suffering emotionally. It has taken me a long time to pinpoint it, and this is not my journal so I won't go into all the details, but I have struggled with joy for the past couple of months - and it's because I haven't made the choice of joy over fear.

I don't even know how to explain what has happened with my post-graduation plans. I don't completely understand it, honestly. I was psyched about interning with Crusade, then I found myself progressing to having no desire for it at all. After praying for a month and a half or so, I turned down the internship. And not with another plan in mind.

I feel like I am swinging from vines in the forest, Tarzan-style. (I am not sure why this analogy is the one in my head, but just go with it.) I have been holding onto interning because I knew it was a solid hold, but I have known I didn't want to stay there, so I have been searching for another one to grab. While there is faith involved in the letting go, it doesn't always mean you will immediately be able to grab onto another. I felt like I was supposed to let go of interning, even without another concrete idea to hold onto. So that's where I am right now - sort of free falling. I don't know what I am doing when I graduate (in EXACTLY two months!). I don't know what I want to do. But I am falling in faith that God will provide the next vine to grab - or some sort of safe landing.