not on my own

2 Corinthians 3:5-6 - "Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

Do you ever have moments where all you seem to be able to see is your sin? Over the past couple of weeks, I have off-and-on seen the ugliness of my heart and felt the weight of how often I fall short. I have been continually convicted, and these moments always reveal a little more of my pride and self-righteousness or my selfishness. My insides seem to be filling up with this filth that overwhelms me, and I am left feeling desperate to get rid of it and hopeless because I know I can't do it on my own.

Last night, I was feeling yucky inside. There was nothing wrong with any friendships, no fears about my job, no frustration with anyone or anything. I was just attacked with feelings of worthlessness. It's somewhat ironic (or maybe not-so-ironic) that this would happen during a week when our theme for the women's project is life-giving. On Tuesday night, we spent time affirming each woman on Project, and I felt very encouraged - but for some reason, all of that encouragement did nothing for my heart when I was convicted of how short I was still coming of what God asks of us. I thought back to Ezekiel 16 (which I wrote about last December, and you can read it here) and the way Ezekiel describes our state without Christ - completely worthless and desolate and alone.

As I was laying in bed, I found myself just begging God to speak truth to my heart - and He did. When people ask me to describe the voice of God, I don't exactly know how to do so in tangible terms. Sometimes He definitely uses other people and sermons and passages in the Word, but this was one of the times I felt He was speaking directly to my heart. In the Ezekiel passage I mentioned, God takes this abandoned bloody child and cleans her up and clothes her, as she grows into a beautiful young woman. I found myself asking God to show me how He could make my insides beautiful despite the ugliness of sin that continually contaminates me.

Being broken is not the problem - it's being broken and feeling hopeless that terrifies me. But we are not to remain in a hopeless state. We are saved by grace (Ephesians 2:8-9), and it is nothing in and of ourselves that gives us that salvation. I was reminded that it is through God's power that we are redeemed and made beautiful in His sight, and it is through Him that I am equipped and qualified to share this Gospel with others.

Galatians 3:3 - "Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?"