"I am a whore, I do confess..."

God is beginning to shake my world.

This past semester has been incredible. I don't know how to describe the incredible joy He has given me in my singleness, or the peace "that transcends all understanding" (Philippians 4:7) that I have despite not knowing my future, or the numerous opportunities of influence He has put in my path. The past couple of weeks have seemed like the calm before the storm, though. It's not that nothing is happening, but I fear that I am falling into complacency. I am at that point where life has become comfortable, and I know that it can't stay that way for long.

And I don't want it to. If we always stayed in those "happy" places in our lives, we would never grow. Victory means nothing without adversity. I can feel the water pressure on the dams of my heart, and I wonder how long it will be before they break. It's amazing, too, that I am not dreading it. Not that I look forward to the wilderness portion of my life, but I look forward to how it makes me treasure these close times I have with my Savior.

Perhaps the mountaintops of our Christian life are, in a way, a wilderness. We often don't realize what Christ means to us until we are in a situation where we desperately need Him. I wish that I felt that way - desperate, helpless, desolate - all of the time. But, the truth is, I don't daily realize how much I need Him. I know that I need to have my short quiet time before I start the day as well as be in constant communication with the Lord (otherwise, I will be a sour grumpy mess and will be easily angered if I lose any sort of competition). Beyond that, though, my life is my own. I take what God has given me and use it for myself: my happiness, my reputation, my pride.

This past weekend, I read Ezekiel 16, which describes Jerusalem as an adulterous wife. I have always loved the story of Hosea and the way that it portrays God romancing us to bring us back to Him. This passage was nothing like that. It was graphic and shocking and very hard to take in.

(4-5) And as for your birth, on the day you were born your cord was not cut, nor were you washed with water to cleanse you, nor rubbed with salt, nor wrapped in swaddling cloths. No eye pitied you, to do any of these things to you out of compassion for you, but you were cast out on the open field, for you were abhorred, on the day that you were born.

Dang. Talk about humbling. And he goes on.

(6-7, 13-14)"And when I passed by you and saw you wallowing in your blood, I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I said to you in your blood, 'Live!' I made you flourish like a plant of the field. And you grew up and became tall and arrived at full adornment. Your breasts were formed, and your hair had grown; yet you were naked and bare.... Thus you were adorned with gold and silver, and your clothing was of fine linen and silk and embroidered cloth. You ate fine flour and honey and oil. You grew exceedingly beautiful and advanced to royalty. And your renown went forth among the nations because of your beauty, for it was perfect through the splendor that I had bestowed on you, declares the Lord GOD.

What a picture of salvation! Not your average picture of redemption. There are no little lambs here being carried on a shepherd's shoulders, no hero rescuing us from an evil dragon, or whatever other idea you got in your traditional Sunday school. But despite its almost grotesque descriptions, this is such an amazing picture of love.

The part I have been struggling with and wrestling over, though, is the description of us without Christ. It actually gets even worse in the following verses, where it describes our rebellion and prostitution after being "cleaned up" by God. I won't paste the whole passage (go look it up!), but the verses that stick out the most are 15-16:

"But you trusted in your beauty and played the whore because of your renown and lavished your whorings on any passerby; your beauty became his. You took some of your garments and made for yourself colorful shrines, and on them played the whore. The like has never been, nor ever shall be."

I am not only humbled by reading of the state I was in before Christ, but also in continuing to realize the state that I am in now. How many times have I taken the "renown" and the "beauty" (the good reputation, the gifts, the influence) that the Lord has given me and distorted it so that it is all about me? The magnitude of this is taking time to sink in. I know that, when I put other things above Christ, I am taking him off of the throne, but the way Ezekiel puts it is just shameful!

(32-34) Adulterous wife, who receives strangers instead of her husband! Men give gifts to all prostitutes, but you gave your gifts to all your lovers, bribing them to come to you from every side with your whorings. So you were different from other women in your whorings. No one solicited you to play the whore, and you gave payment, while no payment was given to you; therefore you were different.

So, what is the solution, then? Are we left on our own to continue to engage in this prostitution of our lives with other loves? I am so thankful for God's grace. We can go no where without realizing how much in need we are of it. In this story in Ezekiel, the Lord does not give up on Jerusalem.

(59-63) "For thus says the Lord GOD: I will deal with you as you have done, you who have despised the oath in breaking the covenant, yet I will remember my covenant with you in the days of your youth, and I will establish for you an everlasting covenant. Then you will remember your ways and be ashamed when you take your sisters, both your elder and your younger, and I give them to you as daughters, but not on account of the covenant with you. I will establish my covenant with you, and you shall know that I am the LORD, that you may remember and be confounded, and never open your mouth again because of your shame, when I atone for you for all that you have done, declares the Lord GOD."

What, then, does this mean in our lives?

We need to recognize our utter desolation before Christ, as well as our continual need for Him. I think it is so important to notice in verse 14 where God says that our beauty was perfect through the splendor that he bestowed on us - it's all from him, not by anything we have done. We are in constant need of His grace, and we constantly need to recognize places where we are whoring ourselves out. We so often break the covenant we have made with a holy God, but rarely do we admit it and feel remorse. Grace is so important, but I don't think we should just accept the grace and not mourn where we have gone wrong.

What is humbling me is not the fact that I am in need of grace, but the fact that I don't always realize it. I think I am doing just fine. Just like my relationship with my Jesus. It's easy to take it for granted until I am in desperate need. I am in desperate need of grace, and I want to be more aware of it. Praise the Lord for His great love and compassion. Despite this grotesque portrait of our relationship with God, it is also one of the most moving and most wonderful comparisons.

*John Piper has two sermons on this passage, "Sex and the Supremacy of Christ, Part 1" and "... Part 2." I have only had time to listen to Part 1, but it was definitely worth it, and I am hoping to listen to Part 2 in the next few days.

*Derek Webb's song "Wedding Dress" comes to mind with this image as well...